Hurry up & wait

 

When you have to go to your Facebook profile page to get the address to your blog, it’s definitely time to update.

I can’t believe it’s been 20 months since God planted seeds that would lead us to a place we would never have gone on our own – Williston, North Dakota.  In that time, I’ve learned a lot about timing and vision.  Our pastor referred me to a book called “Visioneering” by Andy Stanley.  It’s a good book, but there were some things in it I didn’t really want to come to terms with.  He wrote the following: 

 "A vision does not require immediate action.  As God is in the process of birthing a vision in a heart, we always want to start NOW!  Once we feel the idea is from God, we assume all systems are go, and we need to quit our jobs, step out in faith, and begin.  But the story of Nehemiah, and other numerous biblical accounts illustrate that a clear vision from God does not necessarily indicate a green light to begin.  In fact, some have started out too early, and the result was failure, discouragement.  A vision rarely requires immediate action.  It always requires patience."

That was really not what I wanted to hear, but it’s so true.  Have I mentioned that patience is not one of my strong character traits? Looking back now, we can see many reasons we could not have gone last summer, when we wanted to go.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.  Much has changed since this time last year.  My two oldest brothers were diagnosed with cancer in July and November of 2012.  One died in December, the other in January.  Losing two brothers in five weeks was difficult, and reminded me of how limited my time on this earth is, and how urgent it is that I use my time serving God and sharing the gospel with those who don’t know Him.  I started this journey asking God “why Williston, ND?”  But the real question is “why not Williston, ND?”  My concerns about the sub-zero climate and snow up to my ears don’t hold up in light of what Jesus did for me.  My concerns are insignificant in comparison.

Many other things have changed as God has continued to grow this vision in us.  He has provided us with a car without incurring any debt.  We have the minimum amount of funds we determined we would need to make a move and begin the process of getting settled.  A church planter has been identified for the eventual church we will help plant.  We do not have an RV or temporary housing as we would have liked to, but we can rent one there.  We will need to find jobs there, but that should be the easy part.  We have to believe that the same God who planted this vision in us, who is with us here, is already there, and will meet our needs.  We are back to the concept of gracious uncertainty, which I blogged about last May.  All that we have and are is a result of God’s grace.  As we abandon our lives to follow Him, the only thing we can be certain of is God.  We live lives of expectant uncertainty, knowing that God is absolutely faithful.

We plan to leave in early June.  We appreciate your prayers.

Pregnant....

Did that get your attention?  No, I'm not pregnant.  In fact, one of the things I am most thankful for is that when God designed women, He recognized that we reach a point where we are better suited to nurture the children of our children, and we don't have our own babies anymore.  I'm very happy to be at that place in my life.  But we recently (September 1, 2012) welcomed a new granddaughter into our family.  As our daughter was awaiting her birth, she got more and more uncomfortable, and more and more ready for her sweet little girl to arrive.  The due date arrived.  The due date passed.  Anticipation mingled with frustration, and was at times overcome by the frustration.  But on 9-1, just as God ordained, Savannah made her way into the world.  We are thrilled to be able to hold her and sing to her and love her.

It occured to me that our move has been very much like that.  We knew it would happen, we grew eager and wanted to set the timing on our own.  But it was God's timing that mattered.  We are still learning what that is.  We have determined (with the counsel of some very wise people of God) that since Ken's earning capacity is so much greater than mine, he will go first.  He will live in a man camp and work and save the money for the rest of us to join him.  At the salary of truck drivers in ND, that shouldn't take long.  Once he's there and working, the money won't be an issue so much as the availability of a place to live.  There are some possibilities, which he will be in a better position to scope out once he is there. At this point we are praying for another car.  We have been able to save some money, but we are determined to avoid going into debt, and to save all we can for the trip to ND.  As soon as that is in place, Ken will give his two weeks notice and he will be gone.

I grew up hearing and singing a lot of hymns.  I miss hymns.  I love today's modern praise and worship music, and I would not replace it, but I would love to see some hymns added to the mix more often.  They have such depth of wisdom, and I think I learned much of the theology I know from memorizing the lyrics to hymns.  Earlier this week, I read 2 Timothy 1:12, which states "...for I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."  On Wednesday of this week, all morning I could hear in my mind a hymn I grew up singing, based on that scripture (I Know Whom I Have Believed).  It had been a strange week leading to that day.  At the end of last week, I felt God strongly impress upon me "get ready to go."  No, I didn't hear his actual voice (though I believe He does sometimes speak to people that way, even today.  He is God, after all.  He is not limited by our expectations of what He will and won't do.  He can do ANYTHING that suits HIS purpose.)  But I heard Him, nonetheless.  I've been thinking a lot about the implications of that. Was He telling me we will be going together instead of Ken going first?  I don't know.  That has been our desire from the beginning, but it doesn't make sense from our perspective.  So I have tried, with a sick family and with me working a temporary full time job at the County Board of Elections, to figure out how to get that done.  Seems impossible to me.  But I know whom I have believed.  At one point I made a decision to BELIEVE in Jesus Christ and trust Him for my salvation.  As time has gone on, and I have trusted Him in many things and found Him to be completely worthy of my trust, it has become more than what I believe.  It is what I know.  And I know that if He has a plan that I can't see, and He told me to get ready to go, He can make all this happen. And I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him.  What have I entrusted to Him?  Everything.   My life.  My will.  My possessions.  My marriage.  My kids.  My precious granddaughters.  None of them are mine.  They are all His.  So I hold them loosely, because they don't belong to me.  I don't mean to make that sound easy, or like I do it successfully all the time.  It's hard.  And I fail. And I hold my sweet granddaughters and I can't imagine leaving them. But I must.  And I will.  To do what God has asked me to do, what He has transferred from His heart to my heart.  Until that day.  That day when I see Him, face to face.  And I will, because He has promised me that in His word.  And He is Truth, and completely worthy of my trust.  What He says will happen, will happen.  I don't just believe that anymore.  I know it.

As things stand now, we will continue to get ready to go.  And unless God shows us otherwise, Ken will go first and we will stay with the plan that we and others have prayed over.  We are so eager to meet the people God first placed on our hearts over a year ago.  We can't wait to be a part of what He is doing in Williston.

Catching up...

I wasn't 25 feet inside the church this morning before 3 people asked me what was going on with us.  They had checked my blog, and I hadn't updated it.  Ahem.  Sorry.  So....here is a long overdue update.

We are still in Ohio.  The move is still on.  Yes, we had hoped to be there by now.  Things have changed somewhat, but one thing hasn't changed.  We remain absolutely certain that God is leading us to North Dakota.  Our original plans had me and Amber going first, but for many reasons, that did not work out.  We realized recently that this move is going to cost a lot more than we had realized, and it makes more sense for Ken to go first, because his earning capacity in North Dakota is much greater than mine.  There are hundreds of jobs available there for truck drivers, and he will get one much more quickly, and at least double his salary.  He can live in a man camp or something similar for a time, and save a great deal more money in far less time than I could have, and it shouldn't take long for him to save enough for the rest of us to come and get settled. 

We also realized that we have to get another vehicle before we go.  We were approved to finance one, but were very uncomfortable with incurring any new debt, especially with the cost of living in North Dakota.  So, after consulting three very wise people, we have decided to wait for God to provide something we can afford without going into debt.  It has only been in the past week that we have come to a place of being at peace with this decision, and of knowing that if God has called us, He will provide.  So, we wait, expectantly, knowing that God has never asked us to do anything without providing for us to do it.  And He has provided not only physically and financially, He has provided us with changed hearts, and the desire to do what He has called us to do. 

Once the vehicle is in place, Ken will give his 2 weeks notice at work, and he will leave.  The rest of us will join him as soon as possible. Until then, we wait, with our feet in Ohio and our hearts in North Dakota.

Eyes on the prize

Since I realized we were moving in January, I have experienced excitement, curiosity, apprehension, and even some fear.  None of those things surprised me.  What I was completely unprepared for was the overwhelming sense of loss I am experiencing as the move draws very close.  For a long time, my life has been pretty secure and predictable.  Married to the same man for 33 years.  Being part of the same church for almost 20 years.  Living in the same house almost 19 years.  All at once, everything is changing.  Well, not quite everything.  The marriage isn’t changing, but everything else is.  When I’ve moved in the past, I’ve had a house to move into before I moved out of the one I was living in.  That is not the case with this move.  One of the most difficult parts is my church.  Yesterday I pulled into a parking place at church, and told the kids to go inside, and I’d be there in a minute.  I cried.  I sat in my van and cried.  I understand that the church is not a building.  It is the people.  The body of Christ, of which I am a part.  But I love these people, who gather in this building, and serve and worship and laugh and cry and grieve and love and give, together.  Each time I walk into that building, it gets more difficult.  Next Sunday we will be sharing with them for a few minutes about what they have meant to us, and where we feel God leading us.  And I will cry, no doubt.  Not in my van, but in front of all these people I love.  It’s a good thing Ken will be there to talk.  He is grieving these losses just as I am, but he holds it together better than I do. 

Amber & I will be the first to go, probably leaving on the 26^th of July.  I have a job interview in Williston the following week.  This is really happening.

These words give me comfort:

   He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose

                                                                                                            Jim Elliot

As I leave those I love so much, including some of my children and my sweet granddaughter, I must keep my eyes on the prize.  That’s the only way I can do this.

Such a tiny offering...

This morning at church, someone approached me and mentioned that he heard about our move to North Dakota.  He was surprised.  I was surprised there was still someone who hadn't heard.  It seems that everyone knows about it, and I am frequently asked "why?"  As I've mentioned before, North Dakota is not a state I've ever dreamed of living in.  I think the easiest way to answer this question is with a song, one that has come to mean a great deal to me since I realized this move was really going to happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0evTbghu7Rk


It was on a windy day in January, when we were driving our oldest daughter back to college after Christmas break, and we were discussing what seemed to be God drawing us to Williston.  I should rephrase that.  Ken & Amber were discussing - I was whining.  It's too cold there.  I don't want to go to North Dakota.  Me, me, me.  This song was playing quietly on the radio.  And I heard those powerful words.  "Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary, nevertheless, we lay it at your feet."  And I knew, instantly.  I would go.  We would go.  How could we not go?  Too cold or not, we would go.  Because God was leading us there.  We still don't know why, but He has work for us to do.  In Williston, North Dakota.  How could we not go, after what He did for us?  It's not about me.  It's about Him.

Gracious Uncertainty

My oldest daughter graduated from college last week.  The speaker at her commencement quoted Oswald Chambers concerning what he called "gracious uncertainty."  The idea stuck in my head, and I looked it up when I returned home.  He spoke of certainty being the mark of the commonsense life.  We all want to be certain of what is next, and that if we act in a certain way, predictable results will follow.  Certainty is very appealing, but while it may be the mark of the commonsense life, it is not the mark of the spiritual life.  That's where gracious uncertainty comes in.  Gracious, because all that we are or have is a result of God's grace.  Uncertainty, because as we abandon ourselves to God, He begins to fill our lives with unexpected surprises.  We are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what is ahead.  Indeed, the only thing we can be certain of is God.  Chambers wrote, "But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.  Jesus said '...believe also in Me' (John 14:1), not, 'Believe certain things about Me'.  Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in - but you can be certain that He will come."

I hesitated in updating because I hoped to have some exciting progress to report in this upcoming move.  I do not have that.  We continue to pack (throw away, mostly) up the house and prepare for the move.  Arrangements for our house here are made, and nothing has happened that leads us to believe we are not supposed to go to Williston this summer.  But neither has any progress been made (as least that we can see) toward us having any kind of housing there.  We spoke to a "friend of a friend" who lives in Williston on the phone, and he confirmed for us that we really should come with a trailer or 5th wheel camper that will hold up to the ND winter, but we have neither that nor something to pull it yet.  We have looked at 4WD trucks, but haven't moved on that yet.  Since we turned over control of our lives to Christ (many years ago), He has asked us to do many things we never could have done without Him, and He has ALWAYS provided all the support we would need to complete the task at hand.  He has provided support financially, emotionally, physically, and in ways we never could have imagined.  He has NEVER provided that support early, but always right when we needed it.  I believe He will do that in this situation as well.  We are certain that God is telling us to move to North Dakota, and only He could have changed our hearts and made us want to move to a colder climate than we already live in.

As I was reading this over, it occurred to me that God may not provide for this move in the way I hope he will.  He may expect us to go without housing arranged.  That would be a real test of our faith, and would seem unwise.  But would it be?  Would it be unwise to do what God called us to do?  We would look like fools.  Ah, that's the tough part.  We don't want to look like we don't have it all together.  It would hurt our pride.  Stay tuned.  You may get to see us look like fools.  Because we will do what God has clearly called us to do.

Moving along...

I wouldn't wish my current project on anyone.  Sorting through the belongings in a house we have lived in for 19 years is not my idea of fun.  It is really difficult.  In a strange way, though, it has been therapeutic.  It brings to the surface many memories.  Most of them are pleasant.  Some of them are painful.  All of them have given me occasion to think about the way I've spent my time. 

Much of my time in this house has been spent doing "mom" stuff - refereeing endless arguments, homeschooling, talking to teenagers late into the night, encouraging, correcting, fixing meals, cleaning, supervising chores, laughing...the list goes on endlessly.  During the time I was doing that, it often felt like what I was doing had little value.  I see now that it had great value. 

In the past ten years, I have been able to work at a few jobs that I really loved.  I felt that what I was doing was important, and had great value.  God led me into a field I never thought I'd go into (working with offenders), and I loved it.  I hope to do that work again after our move.  I don't mean to devalue the work I did, but I have come to realize that it wasn't as important as those late night talks with teenagers, or any of the other mom stuff I spent my time doing.  I've been pondering I Corinthians 3:11-15.  Much of the work I've been paid for will be burned.  The "mom" work, even that which seemed brainless and frustrating at the time, will survive.  It has eternal value.  I'm so thankful God gave me the opportunity to be a mom.

As far as the plans for the move go, things are falling into place.  Downsizing the house is progressing slowly.  We are developing a clearer picture of the sequence of the move.  We are receiving so much encouragement from people who are aware of our plans, and that encouragement is such a blessing.  Many people are praying for us and for the move, and that is the greatest support we can receive.  A few days ago, I was reading Genesis 24, in which Abraham sent his servant to his homeland to bring back a wife for his son, Isaac.  I was struck by how specifically the servant prayed to know who this wife would be, and how specifically God answered his prayer and directed him to Rebekah.  I have a tendency to be very general in my prayers, and I needed to see the value of specific requests, and be reminded that God answers them.  He is a God of details. I will be putting prayer requests at the end of blog posts, and we would be so grateful if those of you who pray would pray for us. 

PRAYER REQUESTS
Housing  It is likely that we will need to bring a travel trailer, a fifth wheel or a motor home with us for temporary housing.  We will need to find one that is not only affordable, but in good enough condition to withstand North Dakota winter weather, since "temporary" could last 6 months to a year.
Vehicle  Our 2005 Dodge Caravan with 160,000 miles would not pull something we could live in.  We have looked at a couple of 4 wheel drive pick up trucks and stronger SUV's, but again we need wisdom for what to get, and it needs to be affordable.  God will provide what we need, and we want to be wise with His provision.